Paperback coming November 1st !
Narcissism in romantic relationships is often understood to be gender specific—with the man perpetrating the abuse and the woman on the receiving end. While this is certainly the case in many instances, Releasing Your Need to Please is written to explore the growing phenomenon of women who perpetrate narcissistic abuse—and the men who try to please them.
Narcissism is a disorder that stems from childhood trauma. A narcissistic female (a girlfriend or wife) is an extremely wounded personality who, at her core, feels empty, powerless, unlovable, and entitled. In order to soothe her deep insecurities and aching needfulness, she requires a love partner to make her feel better about herself. A narcissistic woman sees her partner as a means to an end—an external source of validation and love—to fill her emptiness and internal feelings of powerlessness.
Given their self-absorbed nature, narcissistic women always attract a specific personality type—people pleasers. Pleasers, too, have childhood trauma and low self-esteem in romantic relationships, and as a result, bend over backwards to make their narcissistic counterpart happy. They do this by morphing themselves into whoever their mate needs them to be.
Often compromising themselves to gain approval (or stop the abuse), pleasers lose themselves in the process—and end up living a false, inauthentic life. Putting their feelings and needs on the back burner, they internalize the anger and manipulation of their mate—hoping to one day prove themselves to be worthy, trustable, and dependable.
By the time male partner’s seek counselling, they are exhausted—second- guessing themselves—and feeling as though they might be going crazy. Some do not recognize the control and manipulation they are experiencing. Others know they are being abused, yet do not wish to do anything productive about it. Yet all pleasers feel trapped inside the abusive relationship—often feeling too weak, terrified, and defeated to make any changes.
Pleasers tend to normalize early traumatic experiences—in which they learned perfectionistic behaviors to seek the approval of their parents. Hence, they were unable to develop a sense of intrinsic value (or strength) in their romantic relationships—and thereby over-compensate—by attempting to earn the love of their narcissistic mate.
Staying with a narcissistic woman is the result of the pleaser’s low self-esteem and unresolved childhood trauma. Pleasers are terrified to make the courageous decision to separate—and doubt they have the strength to stay away. Hence, they seek to fix the abusive relationship by accepting responsibility for the abuse. While pleasers justify staying in the relationship, they lose themselves in the process.
Throughout the book, the message is clear. While the pleaser has been victimized by narcissistic abuse, he can choose to see himself as a victim without choice—or choose to empower himself, develop self-esteem, and permanently escape. Releasing Your Need to Please teaches the reader how to put himself first—by learning to like, trust, and respect himself. This process begins with accepting he has no other reasonable choice—but to escape his chains of abuse.
This book will take the reader on a courageous, empowering, and rewarding journey—and help him gradually (and powerfully) release himself from his own chains (his need to please)—while, at the same time, break his mate’s chains of control, anger, manipulation, and exploitation.
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Jim has served as a licensed, registered counsellor in Saskatoon for over 17 years. His emphasis is on individual and couples counselling. In those 17 years, Jim has become a trusted authority on personal growth/transformation, verbal and emotional abuse counselling and prevention, as well as proactive relationship coaching.
Jim’s practice is built around the belief that there is great freedom in changing the way we perceive and cope with challenges. His holistic approach starts with the basic understanding that change, crisis, and adversity are necessary for growth and development. What looks like an overwhelming challenge often contains an opportunity to grow, heal, and learn.
Using this approach, Jim has helped hundreds of people find the clarity, strength, and inspiration to overcome challenges in their lives. He has authored articles on emotional abuse and is writing a ground breaking book (see above) on the growing phenomenon of narcissistic women and the men who try and please them entitled, “Releasing Your Need to Please.”
Jim is committed to providing a safe, non judgemental atmosphere for his clients. Take the first step today: contact Jim for information about how to begin your journey.
I just want to say thank you. This process took me out of my downward spiral and helped me to start looking up.Anonymous
My husband and I sought counselling from Jim for our blended family; the teen years and bringing it all together for a unified front. Jim was an amazing help, guiding us through our relationships both as spouses and step-parents. We are grateful to have someone so balanced and non-judgemental working to help us through this time. Thank you Jim!Anonymous
Jim is the most genuine, honest counsellor I've met. He Helped me to learn self-acceptance and freedom.Anonymous
Words can't even describe how thankful we are for all the support you have given our family. Knowing how much people care helps us to get through every day.Anonymous
Power and Control. These were the two things I sought help with as I thought they were important. I was frustrated and unhappy with my relationships and my children. Jim taught me that the only one you can control is yourself and true power only comes with maturity, peace, and grace. Once you can achieve these, the rest falls into place. Thanks Jim for the peace, forgiveness, class, and friendship in my life.Anonymous
Jim helped me realize that my thoughts and perceptions were valid. I wasn't wrong. He helped me trust myself and my instincts. I found clarity! Thanks so much Jim.Anonymous